Grief, Love and Hope: a Review

My dear friend Amy wrote the following review of my book Grief, Love and Hope for My Library Thing. She has given me permission to publish it here as well.

I knew Sue before I knew about her baby, Thomas. Then I found out about Thomas, and that Sue had written a book about him, and her experience of having a baby born who could not live once he was born. This book was born out of her need to write her thoughts down, her desire to remember every thing she possibly could of her child's brief life, and also, for her children to share their memories of their baby brother. "I wanted to make a permanent record of Thomas' short life and the effect it had on our own lives. I am so glad we had you. I wrote your story as a sign of our love." 

For those who hope to comfort, it is an honest account. For those who have walked this path already - of having an infant child die, maybe within hours of birth - it will comfort, because of how honest it is: pain so painful is somehow more bearable when shared. While written with Catholic sensibilities, Grief, Love, and Hope transcends boundaries of religion, important though they are. Any parent who has had a child die, who loved and had hopes for their child, will have find much common ground with Sue Elvis. Published eight-and-a-half years after Thomas's birth and death, Sue writes, "Perhaps Grief, Love and Hope will help such parents feel less alone in their suffering and give them the hope that they too will survive."

Written mostly in diary form - literally using passages from her diary, Sue Elvis takes us through the overwhelming sadness that engulfed her, along with the glimmers of hope that came along occasionally, and eventually even, a return of joy. As she is an able writer, even at the worst of times, this effort, while hard to read from the emotional standpoint, is a joy because of how well she expresses herself. Poignant, yet with a light touch, she even has a short chapter, How Many Children Do You Have?, facing head on - but without useless advice - the unsolvable dilemma of how to answer that oft-asked question. In Sue's case, she had many early miscarriages, as well. Her children write their own short accounts; one, a poem.

From the Foreword, "It is a diary record plus later comment of extremely personal experiences yet without any cloying emotion or sentimentality. It proved deeply moving to this reader." (  )

Library Thing

Thank you so much, Amy!

Grief, Love and Hope is available from Cardinal Newman Faith Resources

A free PDF version is also available

A Special Mother is Born

Written by Theresa Thomas

A Special Mother is Born, by Leticia Velasquez, is an amazing and moving book for and about “special mothers” – ordinary women called to live to their fullest potential by parenting children with special needs such as autism, Down syndrome, Trisomy 18 and Asperger’s syndrome. The book contains touching personal accounts (and pictures!) of families chosen by God to raise children with developmental disabilities and other special needs. Each story, by a different contributor, is an honest look at challenges faced by these families. Each story shares one mother’s fears, hopes, challenges, joys and eventual strong faith.  The stories are riveting, inspirational and … beautiful.

Each story has its own mesmerizing beginning. Contributor Lisa Barker begins, “Boo was born with silvery hair and appeared as if she’d just been whisked away from the fairies.” I was drawn into this description of Lisa’s daughter Rebecca and quickly devoured the account of little Boo’s life and of  her mother’s wisdom and unique perspective interspersed throughout the pages.

Another personal account in the book begins, “Miracles do happen. They just don’t always look the way we think they’re supposed to look.” And I can assure you, after reading this particular story, this was a truly a story of miracles!

Time and time again, the blessings of raising special needs children are revealed. The reader gets a rare peek into the personal thoughts of mothers who are engaged in the challenging but rewarding l task of loving and raising a child who is labeled “different”. “I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13) is a recurring theme of the book and anyone who needs a dose of hope will find it in the pages of A Special Mother is Born.

After these moving testimonies of life, the author offers a well-documented short history of the eugenics movement and how America has come to reject those persons deemed to be less than perfect.  The history is concise, clear and just the right length for the reader to understand and commit to memory for use perhaps, in later discussions with others.

Next in the book comes an account of Leticia’s debut into the public world and work of speaking up for disabled children and  encouraging others to embrace a pro-life view as she became an activist promoting life on Capitol Hill.  Her moving speech given in Washington, D.C. is reproduced in the book.

One of the most practical and valuable parts of the book is the appendix of pro-life resources for special needs parenting, making A Special Mother is Born a real help for families facing challenges of a special needs diagnosis.

Many hearts will be touched by this beautiful book. I recommend it wholeheartedly!

Here is the link to Leticia’s blog: http://aspecialmotherisborn.blogspot.com/

A Special Mother is Born is available as a paperback book or downloadable ebook from Leticia's A Special Mother is Born blog or from Fishpond in Australia.

Theresa is a Catholic wife and homeschooling mother of nine. She is the co-author of the book Stories for the Homeschool Heart; family columnist for Today's Catholic News; a story contributor to Amazing Grace for Mothers, Amazing Grace for Fathers, and Amazing Grace for Families and she writes for the website Integrated Catholic Life, a site dedicated to helping Catholics integrate their faith in everyday situations.

Theresa is currently working on a second book to be published by Scepter Publishing entitled Big Hearted Families with Patti Armstrong mother of ten - 8 biological and 2 adopted. It will be stories of families who have been open to life (in many different ways) and the blessings that this has brought to them. 

Theresa blogs at Theresa Thomas - Everyday Catholic

Unschooling: The Little Way

Written by Sue Elvis

I would like to tell you a story of Suzie Andres and St Therese and homeschooling. But first I must start with a tale of grief. Grief? Yes, it was through grief I first met St Therese and her Little Way.

Our son Thomas died as a baby and I grieved for a long time. But one day the pain lifted slightly and I felt pure joy and was glad to be suffering for God. Love overflowed my heart and I suddenly had the urge to suffer anything for God. I wanted to be a saint. And not just a little saint but a big one. I felt I could follow in the footsteps of St Teresa of Avila or St John of the Cross, whose books I was reading at the time. But this worthy thought lasted only a moment. With the next wave of grief came the plea, “I’ve had enough. Please help me, Lord.”

I had a prayer card. I can’t remember exactly what was on it but I knew I was a bit afraid of it. The words said something like “I offer my whole life to suffer greatly for the souls of my family and friends.” Perhaps there was something about how this life on earth is so short and we should suffer as much as possible while here. And there is nothing better we can do than to ask for suffering that will win the eternal souls of our loved ones.

I agreed entirely with the thoughts on the prayer card but I couldn’t pray the words. I’d pick up the card and read the words but I always made sure God knew I wasn’t really praying them. I was frightened. I knew what suffering was. I was right in the middle of it. How could I suffer this for the rest of my life? Some days I just begged God to take away the pain. No, I wasn’t made of the right stuff to be a big saint. However much I wanted to be big, I knew I was really just a little soul. I just wanted God to lift me right up in His arms and take care of me and make things right.

Then I discovered St Therese of Liseaux. Of course, I’d heard about her but I’d been avoiding her. I remember a friend telling me that she’d chosen Teresa of Avila as her patron saint and not Therese of Liseaux. The reason? The friend had always had this idea since childhood that The Little Flower was a sickly sweet saint, a saint without substance. I needed big help from a big inspiring strong saint. So I turned to St Teresa of Avila. I knew she’d suffered greatly. What was that famous quote? Something like “God if this is how You treat Your friends, it’s no wonder You don’t have many of them.” I was going to be one of God’s few friends. So I read The Complete Works of St Teresa of Avila and then went onto The Complete Works of St John of the Cross. And I tried to follow in their footsteps. But it was too difficult.  I wasn’t brave. I didn’t really want to suffer. I wasn’t a saint.

Then somehow I came into contact with St Therese of Liseaux regardless of my belief she couldn’t help me. I read The Story of a Soul, and later, I Believe in Love and I discovered The Little Way. Suddenly I realised that maybe I could still become a saint after all. Not a big saint but a little one, a little one supported by God’s arms. I could be a full little cup instead of a full big cup.  Or perhaps, as Suzie Andres would say, I could become a great saint through the little way of love. I started taking life one day at a time, not asking for suffering, but asking God instead to help me accept and bear whatever came my way.

But what has grief got to do with homeschooling? Just as I wanted to be a big saint so I wanted to be the perfect mother and educator of my children. I made big plans, bought the right resources, did my research. How could I fail? But some days I suffered. There were times when I just wanted to lie down and never get up again. “I can’t do this God. It’s too big a task. I can’t give my children all they need. I don’t have the inner resources to give them the perfect education. I am not enjoying this at all. It was never meant to be this way.” How would I teach my children everything I thought they needed to know? Some days they seemed to learn nothing. Other things got in the way or they were uncooperative, not fitting in with my grand plan. Were my children getting ‘behind’? Was I jeopardizing their futures?

I thought about the alternatives, about sending my children to school and I realised I didn’t have a choice. The educating job was mine and mine alone.

Gradually I changed my style of teaching my children. I stopped making plans we never got around to using. I stopped writing timetables that we were unable to keep up with. I didn’t worry about completing particular curricula. I decided to just enjoy my children and trust that they would learn as we spent our days sharing and doing things together and just being a family. We had discovered unschooling. In public, I called our homeschooling method ‘doing our own thing’. I’d vaguely refer to good books, enjoying our interests, music, writing… But to myself I called it ‘my lazy way’. Yes, there was a bit of guilt. Should we enjoy homeschooling together so much? Shouldn’t homeschooling be a bit more difficult? Perhaps we were just being lazy.  Maybe I’d just given up.

Then I discovered Suzie Andres’ book A Little Way of Homeschooling. I jumped up and down with excitement. It all made perfect sense. We were following St Therese’s Little Way while we were homeschooling. I’d given up trying to be the big saint, that perfect mother and homeschooling parent. Instead of trying to educate my children on my own, I was listening to God and to my children. I trust they will learn what they need to know. I no longer worry about that endless list of absolutely essential knowledge I thought I should stuff into my children. I am now living each day, one day at a time. I don’t believe God means homeschooling to be difficult. I don’t see homeschooling as a sacrifice and a suffering that I am just meant to endure and offer up. I think God wants us to delight in our children. And to trust in Him.

There are so many wonderful excerpts I could quote from A Little Way of Homeschooling. Here are just a few, written by Suzie, I hope you will enjoy and find helpful.

Therese was a realist, and knew there was work to be done, but she decided to do whatever came here way without fear without worrying about the outcome, without the false notion that it depended on her…

… I think that one of our methods for multiplying worries is telling ourselves that our job in educating our children is to do our best, to pack as much knowledge into them as possible. How much more profitable to us to begin from Therese’s reminder, “It’s only in Heaven that we’ll see the whole truth about everything. This is impossible on earth.”

God will give each of us the time that we need to learn everything He wants us to know; this applies to both ourselves and our children. Why do we expect we must teach it all to our children in our homeschool? And why do we automatically assume that this burden of prospective learning will be painful for them, arduous for us? There is a less frightening way….

… In the spirit of St Therese, we as Catholics ought to realise that Jesus has set us free. If we believe His words, if we strive to believe Him more and more, we will start by living one day at a time, letting tomorrow take care of itself. Already we will have made progress if we refuse to see the whole future of a child contained in today’s accomplishments, successes and failures…

…Spend time listening to Him, and let Him tell you what He desires for your family. It may be unschooling… Whatever it is, you will recognise it by the peace it brings to you and your children. Do not settle for anything else.

Yes, peace.

Eventually I felt peace despite my grief as I started living one day at a time: “I accept how I feel. You allow this grief. But I need You to help me through the day.” I began to trust God. He was looking after me. And peace followed.

In the same way, I know God is looking after our homeschooling family. When I started listening, He led us to unschooling. And I know this is what He desires for us. I can feel it. No longer do I feel guilty. Instead I can feel peace… real peace.

A Little Way of Homeschooling is available both as a paperback book, and an ebook as epub and Kindle editions. I thoroughly recommend Suzie’s book.


Please share more of my posts on my blog Sue Elvis Writes

Four Girls Sew Felt Decorations

By Sue Elvis

Fa la la la Felt by Amanda Carestio

Please share my stories at my blog, Sue Elvis Writes

Sacramental Preparation

This year Jelly Bean made her First Confession and First Holy Communion.  We are in the blessed position of being able to prepare our children ourselves.  The majority of the resources we used I have used before to prepare her older siblings, although I added a few new titles this time around..

The New St Joseph First Communion Catechism - Fr Lovasik
I have used this little book with all my children, a great little gem to make certain I have covered all bases.  






Ten Eager Hearts - Sister of Notre Dame
An OOP gem; each story contains incredibly inspiring stories of children preparing for their FHC and their prayers to Jesus after their first reception.
The author also wrote 'True Stories for First Communicants’ and ‘First Communion Days’ republished by Neumann Press.

Patron Saint of First Communicants: The Story of Blessed Imelda Lambertini - Mary Fabyan Windeatt
Only a slim volume, but so inspiring.  Imelda's love of Our Blessed Lord and her desire to receive Him in the Blessed Sacrament shines throughout. This is a must read for us, I have read it to each of our children as they prepare for their First Holy Communion.




First Holy Communion for Little Catholics - Fr Demetrius Manousos
A beautiful little book published by Guild Press in the 1950s.  Solid teaching, written for a child to easily understand.   





My Jesus and I - Aloysius Heeg
I only began using this book with Princess after Margaret alerted me to this gem, previously it had been gathering dust on my shelf. The text is thorough but easily understood, each chapter has three sets of questions. The first corresponds to the chapter, 2nd to the Baltimore Catechism and the third are review questions.  Very solid

Eucharistic Adoration Coloring Book - Katherine 
Beautiful illustrations; symbols of the Eucharist, vessels of the liturgy, images of saints with Eucharistic devotion. Only a new find.

The Weight of the Mass - Josephine Nobisso
A shabby, penniless old woman enters the baker's shop as he is preparing luscious creations for the king's wedding, which is about to take place in the city cathedral. Few are expected to attend, as the populace has grown cold and neglectful about their faith. When the baker refuses to give the old woman even a crust of stale bread, she offers to say a Mass for him, in exchange for food. Scoffing, he writes "One Mass" on a tiny piece of paper, places it on his scale, and tries to overbalance it with heaps of his finest pastries, but to no avail. The Mass outweighs them all. Inspired by a real story, lovely watercolours. Picture book.  A true treasure.

The Most Beautiful Thing in the World - Susan Brindle
The youngest angel in Heaven is sent on a quest to find the most beautiful thing on earth. A red rose? Birds and butterflies? Puppies and kittens? A beautiful baby? No, each time the other angels send him back to earth to keep looking. Finally the angel visits the church and finds a surprising answer. The Sacrament of Confession.  To be honest I'm not really a fan of Brindle's books, they are too wordy but we'll use it until I find something better.

Read more of Erin's posts as Seven Little Australians and Counting.

Benjamin

By Sue Elvis

I often wish there was a Catholic children’s fiction section in our local bookshop. I’d love to be able to browse the shelves when I went into town and come home with something worth reading to our children. Obviously, the mainstream publishers don’t think there is a big enough market for Catholic fiction. They are not interested in this type of book. But there are good Catholic books being published. And there must be lots of families like ours who want to read them. We just have to do a bit more work to discover them.

Some months ago I heard that Fr John O’Neill had written another book for children, Benjamin. We’d read a couple of his previous books and enjoyed them immensely so we couldn’t wait to find out what his new book would be like. We all waited impatiently for Benjamin to be published and when we saw the book for sale at a recent homeschool camp, we didn’t hesitate. We knew we had to have a copy.

I have just read Benjamin aloud to my girls aged 6, 9 and 13. We read a chapter or two a day until we finished the book last Friday.

On the back of the book it says:

As a young Jewish boy, working on the family farm in Galilee, Benjamin wants to experience so much more of life. After a bitter argument with his older brother Reuben, Benjamin leaves home, his flute in hand, searching for adventure.

Benjamin’s journey takes him to Rome, where he makes both friends and enemies and learns just how difficult life can be, before returning home to Galilee.

In Galilee, Benjamin again crosses paths with his childhood friend, Youshua. Their encounters will have a deep and lasting impact on Benjamin’s life, as the story reaches its dramatic conclusion.

This blurb accurately describes the story but leaves so much out.

Fr O’Neill is such a clever writer. As we were reading the book, we met so many of the familiar stories of the New Testament but they were presented from a different angle, one which really engaged our imaginations, got us emotionally involved and gave us much to think about.

I think we all guessed how the book was going to end but I don’t think we were quite prepared for how that ending was going to affect us. I began to wonder if I’d be able to finish reading the final page. My voice started to shake but I did make it right to the last word. Then I looked up. Charlotte had streams of tears running down her face. Sophie was about to sob. That was it. I burst into tears myself. Gemma-Rose grabbed the tissue box and handed it around.

“That was a really good book, wasn’t it?” I managed to ask. All the girls nodded their heads vigorously. I think we will remember this story for a long time. I hope that the truths that Benjamin finally learnt will also ‘have a deep and lasting impact’ on my own children.

Cardinal Newman Faith Resources is stocking Benjamin. They might also have copies of Fr O’Neill’s previous children’s books Cappy and Nor Life, Nor Death, both of which we enjoyed immensely. But be warned: Nor Life, Nor Death, like Benjamin, might reduce you to tears. We sobbed our way through the final chapter.

I’d love to hear about any good Catholic children’s books you have read. We are always on the lookout for new treasures.


Please share more of my posts on my blogs Sue Elvis Writes, Stories of an Unschooling Family and Stories of Grief, Love and Hope

The Heart

By Leonie

I know nothing about education except this: that the greatest and most important difficulty known to human beings seems to lie in that area which deals with how to bring up children and how to educate them. Michel De Montaigne ( 1533-92)

And so begins the book The Film Club - a memoir of a father and son, growing together. The father, David Gilmour, a film critic, allowed his son Jesse to drop out of school at Year Ten, with two provisos.. that Jesse not do drugs and that Jesse watch three films a week with his father, the film critic father , three films of the father's choice...with discussion.

Reviewers of the book wrote...

A heartfelt portrait of how...in the midst of a family's confusion and ire, there is sometimes nothing so welcome as a movie...

..Gilmour's experience suggests that what really counts, for parent and child, is simply being together.

I read this book as a parent on the last legs, so to speak, of her official homeschooling adventure. Only two of the seven sons are now official homeschoolers, the other five having moved into university and work or both.

And next year, there will be only one official, registered homeschooler..Anthony, as Thomas will be at university too.

I read The Film Club, this book, and contemplate our family's homeschooling, unschooling adventure.

I think it is true to say that this adventure has been based on books and movies and on discussion..And on simply being together, through many moves, financial troubles, sickness, miscarriages, babies, toddlers, volunteer work, Mum's conversion to Catholicism, ire, arguments..joy, laughter, a weird sense of dark humour and sarcasm, a healthy dash of cynicism, fun, music, outings, people , friends.....masses and prayers, visiting priests and religious..technology.. work...and those books, movies and discussion.

For all of our life has become our education, our learning, and has made our family, as individuals and as a whole, who it is that we are today.

Someone told my son Jonathon recently that it was good for him to be away from his mother's presence and out of his shell..and yet, when I feel full of self doubt and ponder my inadequacies as a strong mum, Jonathon tells me heatedly, determinedly, that there is no shell, he is not disempowered by my strength of character but has a strong character himself. We all do, mum, he says, we Westenbergs are all determined and hard headed .
Yes, I see that who I am, with faults and failings, has also been part of the children's education. We have not separated life and family and learning but thrown it all together, in a seemngly ad hoc way, to create a smorgasbord of education. people who love books, music, movies, talking, people..and their faith.

There is no dichotomy between education and family life.

Eucharistic spirituality must be the interior motor of every activity, and no dichotomy is acceptable between faith and life in their [ the lay person's] mission of spreading the spirit of Christianity in the world.

So I read this morning in Heart of the Christian Life: Thoughts on Holy Mass ( Pope Benedict XVI).

Can I draw some parallels here?

There is no dichotomy betwen faith and life..we adore Christ, we receive Him and , after adoration, as we are filled with Christ's love, we take Him within us, share Him, to our communities..so, we love and live and spend time with our children and take this love into our activity, passions, our interests, our little interest driven explorations, our education.

Just as parenting, and unschooling, are not based on activity and busyness first but instead based on life and love and then, almost organically, a curriculum and learning emerges..Just as love is the centre of the unschooling form of learning..so, too, as the Holy Father says, we base our faith on love and adoration and, yes, acceptance of doctrines ( for, a church bulletin message was wrong; let me tell you, faith, yes, is built on love and trust but the Faith also involves an acceptance of doctrines, of Church teachings, based on this love..and not on feelings). Our parishes are not based on activity first, on lunches and jokes and clapping first, but on the Eucharist, the love of God for us, on adoration and contemplation..and then, the active life of the parish emerges...from the worship, not preceding the worship or instead of the worship.

Undivided love toward God and neighbour is founded upon the mystery of the Eucharist, celebrated and adored. Heart of the Christian Life.

People have sometimes asked me how to homeschool, how to unschool. And people at church have sometimes asked me how I get my teens and older sons to mass, to live their faith.

I don't.

What?

I don't homeschool as an addition to our life as a family, I spend time with my kids, I share books with my kids, we watch movies, we talk non stop. And thus our unschooling education has emerged from these activities, has grown an education, covering outcomes in a real, relevant, manner.

I don't make the kids live their faith. I couldn't could I? But we live our Faith, I live my Faith, my struggles and joys, we go to mass together, we experience beauty.

The saint is the person who is so fascinated by the beauty of God and by his perfect truth as to be progressively transformed by it. Heart of the Christian Life

The heart of Jesus reaches out to us.

The heart of my family's unschooling rests on this, on the Eucharist; and on the heart of the parent; the heart of the parent reaches out for the child, to make the child a priority, to do what is in the best interest of the family and the child.

Education in real life, for real life, with books and movies and talking.

With Faith.

With the Eucharist, the Bread of Life.

Let us pray to her, our holy Mother, so that she may help is to open our entire being, always more, to Christ's presence; so that she may help us to follow him faithfully, day after day, on the streets of our life. Heart of the Christian Life

Please share more of Leonie's posts on her blog Living Without School

Immersion in Quality Literature

By Erin @ Seven little Australians

My childhood home was a home of books; thousands of books, I don't recall many picture books, but we had shelves of quality novels mixed with twaddle. These surrounds encouraged my own love of reading.


Making the decision early on to home educate our children, I began reading about home education approaches and knew our learning would not be reliant on text books. When I first read of Charlotte Mason I was immediately drawn to her love of Living Books, I had found someone whose experience bore out my instinctive thoughts!  The past 17 years of parenting have been filled with reading, books are an integral part of our home and family culture.  We talk about characters and plots together, we read together, we laugh and cry over books together.  Well okay I'm the one who mostly cries (along with an unnamed child or two.) 


When I think back over the years books are entwined within many family moments; numerous memories are centered around the times spent reading books and different books in particular hold a place in our family's annuals.   We fondly remember the many mornings we spent reading our Saint stories until Morning Tea when my voice begged for mercy, pleading with the children that I could no longer go on.  St Pius X would have to be one of our very favourites from this time, we still talk and laugh about his humorous approach.  Then there was the day we began Caddie Woodlawn and the children begged I continue,  which I did all day until tea time, my voice was so hoarse.  The  series we read for pure fun that have become part of our family culture, Redwall and Ranger's Apprentice are two that come immediately to mind. One of my dearest memories was the winter Michelangelo was a newborn; we spent weeks huddled on the lounge under a doona,  reading the entire collection of Beatrix Potter.  To this day Beatrix Potter remains a family favourite.


When all the children were under 11 years it was far easier to maintain a family read aloud and read to all.  Now however our three oldest often prefer reading to themselves, sometimes they listen to snippets and reminisce or become interested, often they pick up the book I was reading and read quickly to themselves.  For too long I grieved for the earlier years, in an ideal situation I could still read to my teens but realistically our logistics just don't suit.  My reading time is now devoted to our 11 and 9 year olds and trying to read picture books to our youngest three.  All five oldest spend hours daily reading to themselves, if they are not outside after lunch then they will be found with book in hand reading.


As I'm currently updating our library catalogue I'm realising anew just how many wonderful books I have read to the older children and how many of these old friends I long to share with our middle children.  The simple reality is it is much harder with the age dynamics to spend large periods of time reading together.  What once came easy I now have to devise daily goals to ensure reading time happens. For our youngest I strive to read a minimum of three picture books daily, for our 11 and 9 year olds one chapter a day of two/three books; Faith, Literature, and History.


We have  read so many wonderful books, the children have been immersed in quality literature and I know this has been a rich blessing.  I hear it in the quality of their speech, in their vocabulary, in their instinctive knowledge of sentence syntax, and the crafting of their stories.  Rich literature has been an extremely worthwhile and valuable investment

Please visit Erin's blog Seven Little Australians Plus One