Remembering Father Kelly's Marriage Talk

Written by Missy Fecas Fillion


I read an article recently that said you should have a vision for your marriage. Companies do it; why shouldn’t couples? I smiled when I read it and was grateful that we already had one. Grateful to the late Msgr. Robert Kelly for giving it to us.

We met with three priests during our six-month engagement. One from our parish in Atlanta for the five sessions of premarital counseling. One who would perform the ceremony in Charleston. And one who meant a lot to our family over the years but was unable to marry us. He was the high school rector and at times parish priest to us from my oldest brother down to me 22 years later. He came to my father’s bedside every day for months before he died and consoled us when my mother passed away. He always made us feel God’s love through his own.

Father Kelly was the quintessential priest who everyone loved. Thousands of people across South Carolina mourned his passing last fall. I will miss the personal touch he had with everyone he knew. He had the ability to make every person feel as if he or she were the most important thing to him at that moment in time. He could immerse himself in your life and make you feel special—a rare quality when it is real.

In the business world something called faked sincerity helps to boost sales and increase morale in the employees. Father Kelly had the “real deal.”

I will miss hearing him say, “We have visitors from Atlanta,” when he would see us in the pew before Mass. I will miss hearing him say, “There goes Missy,” from the pulpit as I carried a wailing baby out of the small church, and then, “Here she comes again,” as I attempted to return.

Most of all I will miss hearing him say, “The Body of Christ, Missy.”

The personal touch deepens profound moments for me. It was one of those profound moments that became our mission.

In 1996, my husband-to-be and I rode out to the small parish in Folly Beach, S.C., to meet with Father Kelly so he could give us his marriage talk. He’d gotten good at it. I know there are hundreds just like us who wanted him for weddings and other life events.

I don’t remember everything Father Kelly said that day. I do remember loving his beach house and how much the picture of him holding an umbrella over Mother Teresa’s head meant to him.

But the thing I remember the most is the vision he gave us about our job in marriage. It’s a very simple statement. Its complexity lies in its implications and applications. It’s not to buy a big house, car or portfolio. It’s not great vacations, sticking to a budget or even having children, though all that is important to us. It is our job as husband and wife to get each other into heaven. That’s it, plain and simple. It means that nothing that we do here on earth matters if it’s not ultimately going to help us get into heaven.

And if that’s not enough, then it’s our job to do the same for our children, family and friends.

This isn’t a pretty hearts and flowers Valentine sentiment. It’s deep and meaningful, sure, and in some ways romantic. But it frankly terrifies me. What responsibility. What seriousness. This God that we love demands everything from us and our marriage. It’s not about being happy and in love, though of course He wants that for us. But the purpose of our marriage is to draw each other to God and to make sure we help each other stay there forever. It’s about always keeping our beloveds and eternity in our minds above ourselves and our petty wants and needs. And every day, not just on Valentine’s Day.

We’ve been married eight years. Getting each other into heaven is the statement we come back to time and again. Three priests, premarital counseling, Engaged Encounter, numerous conversations with friends and family. This was the most important advice. This is what we remember (other than one of my brothers telling my husband Kevin to “run”!) We even joke about it during arguments, as in, “This attitude is not helping me get into heaven, is it?”

Do we understand everything it means, and are we always faithful to it? No. Do we know it is the truth of our life together? Yes.

Thank you Father Kelly. I’ll always miss you.

Missy Fillion is a native of Charleston, South Carolina currently living in Atlanta, Georgia with her husband and two beautiful children. Though she has an MBA, it was not her educational background that brought her to the door of her work, but rather her family, first as wife, then mother. Her most positive spiritual moments have come through her children or growth opportunities that family life provides. Her day to day life includes chores, reading to the kids, playing clue, going to the library and parkdays, listening, learning, making parenting mistakes, castigating herself, swearing, then praying, seeing Jesus in her children’s eyes, starting again, more humble this time, over and over. All of this is the soil for her writing. Daily she picks up what she often thinks is her cross, and over and over again, she finds it is her salvation. Missy has recently published her debut novel, Retreat to Folly, which is available on Amazon. Her facebook page is www.facebook.com/MissyFillion

Now in paperback!

Something More Than Just Married

By Sarah

"Don't just get married - do something with your life!"

I think these are among the saddest words I have ever heard! It amazes me to discover how many of our young people (and I mean homeschooled, orthodox Catholic young people) regard marriage as the end of all fun. Marriage, if you talk to them, is a trap; and once you are trapped, that is it. You never enjoy yourselves again.

I wish they knew the truth. I wish they understood the wonderful liberation that marriage brings. To have someone who cherishes you above all others; who seeks your company before any other's; who supports you, is interested in you, talks to you, loves you... How magical that is! Yet so many young people talk of making sure you have fun before you get married, because (the implication is) you won't afterward. How has this sorry state of affairs come about?

Half in jest I told my children I'll write them a Guide to Marriage. I'll write for our sons, Shaun can write for our daughters. My part will be something like this:

Don't worry if your wife cries a lot. That's normal. But try to understand why; and when she feels insecure and unsure of your affection, it is genuine, so be re-assuring.

Tell your wife you love her. Every time you see her is probably often enough. And think it too, because the way you think and speak becomes the way you are.

Realise what it is like for her to be at home all day with only babies or toddlers for company. Be sympathetic and be punctual. If you say you'll be there at six, don't be surprised if she is an emotional mess if you arrive home at ten past six instead.

Ring her every day.

Pray together. Share your anxieties and concerns as well as your joys.

Be considerate. She's exhausted and sleep-deprived; whenever you can, in the precious spare time you have from working all day to provide for her, take the children. Do the washing up. Do the shopping. Hang the washing for her at the weekends. Help with the children and the housework. Cosset her; she's hanging on by a thread, so offer a lifeline.

Let her talk. It's something women do. Let her tell you every detail of every event. try to reciprocate, even if it's an alien idea. Try to add something about how you feel, not just a mechanical account of what you did.

Remember, your children are not your rivals. If it seems your wife always has her arms full of babies and never of husband, it is not permanent. Your children are a living embodiment of your love for your wife. Be patient and be tolerant. Be loving. Even if she's so tired that she can scarcely keep her eyes open, she does still love you.

Have fun. Go out together as a family. BUT ALSO GO OUT TOGETHER AS A COUPLE, even if it means shanghai-ing a reluctant (but of course reliable) friend or relative as a babysitter. THIS IS VITAL. Children are wonderful, a great gift, but they will grow up and move away and develop lives of their own. Your wife is there till death do you part. Don't forget it is she whom you married. (And grandmothers can put up with babies screaming for a couple of hours if needs be. When it's not your own baby it's not half as stressful.)

Money, pleasant as it is, is not everything, and God ALWAYS provides. I promise this is true, hard as it is to believe; I speak from experience. So, don't say you can't afford another child. You can never, ever afford ANY children. But children give you so much, so much precious love and joy that you will never receive in any other way. Children are a marvellous, wonderful gift. Be grateful and joyous. If you need a breather, sure, space them a bit; God never said married couples had to have as many children in the shortest space of time available; indeed, He may not even give you any. But never reject them.

Remember that as spouses, through the sacrament of marriage, instituted by God to give grace, you each work to the sanctification of the other. What a wise and unexpected gift that is.

Love your wife, love your children, be kind and generous. Make her laugh. Have fun. God bless you.

Perhaps they'll read it; but at least it is an attempt to share with them the truth about marriage! How could anyone do MORE than 'just get married'?!!

Photo: Wedding by Tom Clare/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Unwritten Love Notes

By Farmer's City Wife, our guest blogger from the Northwest, USA

Recently I had a sulk-fest when I perceived my husband had been slacking on the servant-leader front.

Sure he's working 90 hour weeks in the heat of a desert summer and sleeping an average of 4 or 5 hours a night. Sure he's brought me flowers and beef jerky (who needs chocolate when you can have jerky?). Sure he's never failed to water my chicks or take out the trash or even do a load of laundry (all without ever being asked), but by golly he's let my water cup run dry without re-filling it like he did when we were first married. And he's committed the mortal sin of only getting one spoon instead of two with the ice cream, and he's not immediately and emphatically commented upon how delicious dinner is like when we were first married.

My radar immediately went up and I went on the prowl, noticing every little thing that he "used to do when we were first married but doesn't do anymore." Sure enough, with great effort I came up with a list of 11 items.

I was feeling pretty smug and basking in the glory of self pity. "He doesn't love me like he used to! He's starting to take me for granted!" Boo hoo hoo.

Then, as an aside and fully expecting the exercise to show my superiority, I made a list of things I "used to do when we were first married but don't anymore." Within less than three minutes I had a list of 17 items. I could've easily kept going, but my pride wouldn't allow it.

So after having a good cry at my wretchedness, I set about to serve my husband instead of seeking to be served; to see in him the face of Christ and to serve and love my husband as though I were serving and loving Christ.

To take off his shoes when he comes home, to lay out his clothes and a clean towel for a shower, to visit him in the field and bring him dinner instead of griping that he comes home at an "unreasonable hour," to kiss him on the forehead "just because," to prepare desserts he'll enjoy, always to greet him warmly, to notice everything and thank him for it, to pray for him throughout the day, to keep his glass filled, to fluff up his pillows, to save the last bit of ice cream for him, to curl my hair and iron my shirt, to ask him about his day and listen and sympathize and support... a million little unwritten love notes.

It's amazing: when you actively look for ways to serve, suddenly the opportunities for love and joy increase exponentially. Love multiplies itself.

And since starting my Unwritten Love Notes Campaign, without ever mentioning it to him, I've had to strike 9 of the 11 items off his list.

Please share more of Farmer's City Wife's posts on her blog City Wife, Country Life

How Marriage Has Changed Me

I would like to welcome Farmer's City Wife to Australian Catholic Families, as our first guest author. I love reading FCW's writings on her blog City Wife, Country Life and she very generously has agreed to share a couple of her posts with us. FCW lives in the Northwest, USA. \

It's Sunday. I'm going to write more than usual... if that's okay :).

When we were huckleberry picking I had the chance to talk to a cousin of ours. I enjoyed her company immensely and wished we lived closer to each other so I could get to know her better. Alas.

But during the course of our conversation she asked, "What's your favorite part about being married?" I listed off a few things, but I've not been able to stop thinking about that question. Several times I day I catch myself saying interiorly, "this is my favorite part" and later in the hour, "no, this would be it." Marriage, as God intended it, is just too wonderful!

I'll just take one "for instance."

I hate grating cheese. Passionately. I'll do just about anything to avoid having to do it (except buying it pre-grated which costs $ and delivers dried-out cheese, or buying a food processor which is just another clunky appliance to wash and store). I feel the same way about washing lettuce and making ice.

But I've noticed a curious thing since getting married. Grating cheese is one of the sweetest moments of my week. Don't get me wrong... I still hate grating cheese, but I love doing it for my husband. It's a joyful sacrifice that doesn't even feel like a sacrifice because it's done with love for him. Lettuce and ice are the same way. If I lived alone I would never grate cheese, I'd eat salads but rarely and I'd probably live without ice. But when there's another person involved, a person I love, doing these things takes on an entirely different quality. It's a vocation that takes the focus off of me, my wants, my comforts, my selfishness and allows me to do for another. It's little things like this, done with love, that are part of why marriage is so amazing... it effects even the most mundane tasks and makes them worthwhile, meaningful, and acts of real love instead of drudgery. Each time I nick my knuckle on the cheese grater, instead of muttering under my breath I can rejoice that I'm finally able to prove with actions instead of words, in some small way, how much I love my husband. (I know motherhood is the same way... making unpleasant tasks sweet because they're done with love. But I can't speak from experience yet.)

It's easier to do the big things, sometimes, that get noticed. Doing dishes, laundry, floors, making dinner... those things rarely go unnoticed by my wonderful husband and he doesn't fail to thank me for doing them. Great joy, though, is found in doing the things that go unnoticed... dusting places that you would never notice are clean but you'd sure know if they were dirty, sweeping behind the toilet, straightening the contents of drawers. Herein lies the housewife's ability for sanctity. Herein lies my joy.

This has, finally, shown me what my attitude towards God should be. Sure I've always done sacrifices... what cradle Catholic doesn't "offer it up?" But what was my attitude when doing them? Suddenly, not eating meat on Friday isn't an annoyance done because "good Catholics just do it"; it's a cause for joy, to show God I love Him. Praying on my knees without leaning my rump on the pew behind me and my elbows on the pew in front of me... holding my tongue when I want to give a sharp reply... these are the "little things" which, when done with love, take on an eternal significance. And, when united to the sacrifice of Christ upon the cross, they have redemptive and salvific powers!!

Ah the holy martyrs. They would go singing?? Joyfully?? To be mauled to death by lions? To be shot by arrows? To be stoned? Drowned? Flayed? Burned? Shot? Poisoned? Hanged, drawn and quartered? How could they joyfully do something like that? ONLY with Love.

What is this other than St. Therese's "Little Way"? I guarantee she saw this spirituality (even at a very young age when her mother was alive) exemplified by her saintly parents, Blessed Louis and Zélie Martin. God grant us the grace to be like them (and to have children like her, hehe)!

Tonight we should have cheesy enchiladas, salad and iced tea :). Oh happy day!

Please share more of Farmer's City Wife's posts on her blog City Wife, Country Life

Spouse Time

By Michele

Many years ago, when we were newly-weds ourselves, we attended the wedding of friends of ours. At the reception we were chatting with the parents of the groom. He told us a very interesting story.

This couple had been blessed with children and the first decade and more had been taken up busily caring for the needs of these children and working hard to provide a roof over their heads. The children grew older and the day finally came when the father and mother could go out to dinner, for their eldest daughter was now old enough to baby-sit. Of course this was looked forward to preceding the event. Finally the big night came. They decided to make this night different by not talking about the children while they were out - just enjoying each other's company for the first time since they married. Guess what happened? They couldn't think of anything to talk about! The husband said, "Well, love, we can go one of two ways here. We can grow further and further apart or we can make an effort to grow closer." They decided to make a weekly date and grow close to one another.

This couple recognised the importance of spending time with your spouse to make a happy marriage. Later in our life when we had numerous little children and no chance of going out, a wise parishioner told me that when the children are little you put them to bed so you can get some time with your husband. When the children are older, this lady said you need to go to bed earlier so that you can get some private time with your husband. This is very true - as our older children stay up as late as we do, it can be very tricky managing to have some time to talk and enjoy each other's company as spouses.

A priest friend told me that the most important thing parents can give their children is a happy marriage. This means spending time together. I'm not meaning expensive dinners - although a nice night out is always fun. But a milkshake or a cappuccino and a walk in the park on a regular and frequent basis can go a long way to providing a happy marriage. Of course I do not believe these times need to have no conversations about the children - often it's the only uninterrupted time you have. However, it is good to also talk about hopes and dreams, projects that the family can work on, how to spend your free time in a fun way as a family etc... We are not abandoning our children or being bad parents if we leave them to spend short amounts of time with our spouses. We are making an investment in our marriage.

It is very easy, especially when you are busy homeschooling and your husband is busy trying to provide for the family, often on a single income, to begin to live separate lives. We must love and cherish our spouses. We must work on our marriages if they are to survive. We also need to give our children, particularly our older children, positive and attractive models of marriage. Just as happy nuns are attractive for religious life, happy couples are attractive for the vocation of marriage.

Let us ask God for all the graces we need to live in the holy state of matrimony and pray for our brothers and sisters who are struggling in their vocation at this time.

A Morning Coffee Habit

By Leanne

Dermot & I are very Blessed to be able to share our Morning Coffee together. Dermot works from home, and has done most of our married life.

We started sharing a coffee as a form of chatting when the children were little, staying connected. We claimed it as our time. We even took the phone off the receiver in the early days. It was our special time alone together. No children allowed. The children knew this and would leave us alone for that time.

Sometimes on weekends they would come to the door. "It's been long enough." We would laugh, and probably it was long enough.

It is still our time. We continue to claim it as ours, but now we have invited another person to sit with us.

No, it is not a child....

We have asked God to come into our coffee time so we can hear his word, ponder on it, and share our insights with each other.

So every morning while Brid starts her school day, we sit down together, coffee in hand and we read to each other.

We read the reflection set out first. Then Dermot & I take it in turns to read each reading from the Bible, and it is always he who reads the Gospel. We have been subscribing to The Word Among Us for a while, but it is always very nice to share it together. We tend to find it opens up a conversation for us.

We have been sharing our morning coffee now with God since the beginning of the year and it has now become a habit.

Please share more of Leanne's posts at her blog Roses, Tea and Our Lady.