Attitudes

By Sarah

When one of our daughters was eighteen months or so, a fellow parishioner referred to her as ‘the one with attitude’. This was mildly amusing (especially since it must have been fairly impressive to have been that obvious from about fifteen pews back!) but lately I have been thinking that it shouldn’t have been. There is nothing to admire in strident wilfulness, and whilst it might be temporarily permissible in a child of that age, the temporary should be stressed. The bumper stickers one sees so commonly which emphasise vulgarity, discourtesy and self-importance, or the slogans on t-shirts, of which I need not give examples but with which most will be familiar, quote the twenty-first century description of ‘attitude’ (i.e. bad attitude) as if it were a virtue.

Bad attitudes are responsible for a great deal of the troubles with which we are forced to contend in our present social set-up, especially bad attitudes to authority, honesty, gentleness and modesty. Yet these bad attitudes are exactly what is held up as worthy of striving for! Examine almost any magazine available in the newsagent, almost any television show (including the news), almost any literary curriculum in schools, indeed almost any recent example of any art, and the underlying thrust is the same: defiance of authority and glorification of self. It is often subtle enough that we don’t even realise how greatly we are ourselves influenced by it. It is connected with the modern idea that anything novel is of necessity good, and that individual self-expression is essential to the flowering of the personality.

How peculiarly this is opposed to the traditional Catholic ideal that self-denial is essential to the flowering of the personality – that true maturity, the uncomplaining carrying of one’s own little crosses, brings wisdom!

I am frustrated and saddened that so many people assume there is necessarily a conflict between young people and older people. Of course youth must learn, and of course wisdom must not oppress – parents, do not drive your children to resentment – but why is it assumed that our young people must become these monsters called ‘teenagers’? What is special about the teenage years other than inexperience, enthusiasm and idealism? These are ripe to develop into good attitudes. The conflict is not necessary. Sometimes we can inadvertently make it so by expecting our youngsters to be ‘teenagers’; but why not expect them to be worthy, charming, reliable and pleasant people instead? I do not speak here of youngsters in school, because the pressures upon them are so extensive and difficult to combat; I am treating specifically of home-schooled young people. Most youngsters allowed to develop normally in a secure family, that is without being crippled by having thrust upon them the attitudes and expectations of secular society, will develop attitudes of decency, even without the rigorous teaching of the Church.

Haven’t you observed even young women dressed in short tight skirts and ‘crop tops’, unconsciously constantly tugging at the hemlines to try and cover their exposure?

Despite the persistent message pushed at them from all directions, despite their anxious efforts to fulfil what they have been taught to yearn for, they are somehow subconsciously aware that they are immodestly dressed. The instinct for good has been subverted.

These youngsters have been betrayed into believing that liberty lies in doing what one pleases. Of course true liberty lies is doing what Christ pleases, and the Catholic Church is the custodian of that Truth. So of course our disciplining of our children’s attitudes, as of our own, must be the disciplining of the self to Christ. We must accept the authority of the Church. Humility is a necessity; obeying someone else means subduing our own pride. Our children will not accept our authority if they do not see that we accept higher authority. If they are to be co-operative and self-disciplined it will only because they observe the same qualities, or at least a striving for the same qualities, in ourselves. What a daunting challenge! But we could not face it alone. We will only succeed through Christ. A striking example of that self-discipline which we can provide is for our children to see us go to regular Confession.

I love the companionship and joy of my older children as they grow up. I love the easy expectation among our homeschooling families that our young people are simply that; our youngsters, growing from childhood to adulthood. I love the happy relationships that our little ones have with the older children, their trustful expectation of love and tolerance. I earnestly pray that it will not be riven by bad attitudes, but rather strengthened and reinforced by good ones.

How to Prepare for a Party

By Sarah

Someone is going to have a party, probably turning eighteen. About six weeks before this, the girls start preparations. It begins with ringing one’s friends to discuss clothes. One’s own wardrobe, and that of one’s friends, is minutely considered, picked over, discussed proposed, rejected, contemplated? “But what about the gold one, you know, with the bow? Yes, but you could just put a bit of lace over that bit or something. Or that burgundy one with the long sash. No, I didn’t know that — well, couldn’t she wear the purple and you could have the silver?” And so on, over the next fortnight, phone calls back and forth, indecision  and hesitation?

Finally, the conclusion is reached that nobody has anything remotely suitable that hasn’t already been worn (or almost worn) at least once, and is therefore not to be considered again. So a new dress must be found. This takes another two weeks or so. St. Vincent de Paul, the Smith Family, all local op-shops, are combed for possibilities. Local boutiques are visited, and there is much more phoning: “Oh, it was just gorgeous, it had this wonderful skirt, and it was just the softest blue — well, yes, about $90 in the sale, but just gorgeous — no, I guess not. But there was another one that was cheaper, except it wasn’t quite the right length, and I don’t think that above the knee is really all that flattering — did you see the green one, though? Wasn’t that cute?” Eventually it is decided that this time, perhaps that maroon one that so-and-so didn’t wear last time could be adapted for this time, and maybe the embroidered silver one with the straight skirt that you picked up at the Smith Family last Christmas but never wore could do for this one?

Dresses sorted out, hair, jewellery and shoes remain to be decided. Much further discussion ensues regarding who has the best sandals to match the chosen dress, whether the owner of the said sandals will be using them or they can be borrowed, whether anyone has a little jacket to go with that dress because if it is cold you’ll just freeze, it’s really pretty strappy; oh yes, there is that shawl with the sequins, or the one with the embossed velvety bits. And so and so really looks best with her hair up, but if you do that what about curling it, because that takes quite a lot of time. No, she shouldn’t have her hair up, it’s such lovely hair, she should have it down. You’ll break your ankle in those sandals!! Oh, have you seen her gold and purple necklace, it’s just so lovely — I’ve got this sort of sparkly one and the earrings do match quite well?

The week before the party all this intensifies. Dresses are re-agonised over and re-distributed before returning to the first decision yet again. Maybe those sandals aren’t quite right. Did you decide on a different pair of earrings?

The morning of the party is happy chaos. Finally everybody is dressed, ready and assembled; the party begins; it is quite fun; but nothing like the preceding six weeks.

The boys start to get ready about an hour before the party.

“WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S FORMAL? WHY DO THEY ALWAYS DO THIS?”

“Where are my black trousers?”

“Okay, let’s go.”

And they enjoy it too.

Something More Than Just Married

By Sarah

"Don't just get married - do something with your life!"

I think these are among the saddest words I have ever heard! It amazes me to discover how many of our young people (and I mean homeschooled, orthodox Catholic young people) regard marriage as the end of all fun. Marriage, if you talk to them, is a trap; and once you are trapped, that is it. You never enjoy yourselves again.

I wish they knew the truth. I wish they understood the wonderful liberation that marriage brings. To have someone who cherishes you above all others; who seeks your company before any other's; who supports you, is interested in you, talks to you, loves you... How magical that is! Yet so many young people talk of making sure you have fun before you get married, because (the implication is) you won't afterward. How has this sorry state of affairs come about?

Half in jest I told my children I'll write them a Guide to Marriage. I'll write for our sons, Shaun can write for our daughters. My part will be something like this:

Don't worry if your wife cries a lot. That's normal. But try to understand why; and when she feels insecure and unsure of your affection, it is genuine, so be re-assuring.

Tell your wife you love her. Every time you see her is probably often enough. And think it too, because the way you think and speak becomes the way you are.

Realise what it is like for her to be at home all day with only babies or toddlers for company. Be sympathetic and be punctual. If you say you'll be there at six, don't be surprised if she is an emotional mess if you arrive home at ten past six instead.

Ring her every day.

Pray together. Share your anxieties and concerns as well as your joys.

Be considerate. She's exhausted and sleep-deprived; whenever you can, in the precious spare time you have from working all day to provide for her, take the children. Do the washing up. Do the shopping. Hang the washing for her at the weekends. Help with the children and the housework. Cosset her; she's hanging on by a thread, so offer a lifeline.

Let her talk. It's something women do. Let her tell you every detail of every event. try to reciprocate, even if it's an alien idea. Try to add something about how you feel, not just a mechanical account of what you did.

Remember, your children are not your rivals. If it seems your wife always has her arms full of babies and never of husband, it is not permanent. Your children are a living embodiment of your love for your wife. Be patient and be tolerant. Be loving. Even if she's so tired that she can scarcely keep her eyes open, she does still love you.

Have fun. Go out together as a family. BUT ALSO GO OUT TOGETHER AS A COUPLE, even if it means shanghai-ing a reluctant (but of course reliable) friend or relative as a babysitter. THIS IS VITAL. Children are wonderful, a great gift, but they will grow up and move away and develop lives of their own. Your wife is there till death do you part. Don't forget it is she whom you married. (And grandmothers can put up with babies screaming for a couple of hours if needs be. When it's not your own baby it's not half as stressful.)

Money, pleasant as it is, is not everything, and God ALWAYS provides. I promise this is true, hard as it is to believe; I speak from experience. So, don't say you can't afford another child. You can never, ever afford ANY children. But children give you so much, so much precious love and joy that you will never receive in any other way. Children are a marvellous, wonderful gift. Be grateful and joyous. If you need a breather, sure, space them a bit; God never said married couples had to have as many children in the shortest space of time available; indeed, He may not even give you any. But never reject them.

Remember that as spouses, through the sacrament of marriage, instituted by God to give grace, you each work to the sanctification of the other. What a wise and unexpected gift that is.

Love your wife, love your children, be kind and generous. Make her laugh. Have fun. God bless you.

Perhaps they'll read it; but at least it is an attempt to share with them the truth about marriage! How could anyone do MORE than 'just get married'?!!

Photo: Wedding by Tom Clare/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Another Act of Mercy

By Sarah

One cold, windswept summer evening in London about thirty years ago I was standing outside a theatre with my family waiting for transport home, wearing a very pretty summery dress of which I was particularly fond. I was very cold. My brother offered me his jacket, and perversely, I refused, so instead shivered on until the car finally arrived.

Before we all went to bed, my mother took me aside and said, “My dear, you must have the humility to accept help when it is offered, and the charity to allow another person the pleasure of being able to help. Don’t be so ungracious.” It is a suggestion which has remained with me since, because so frequently I am too proud to allow another the pleasure of helping me, even when (as all those years ago) I would indeed benefit from the help. I sometimes have to deliberately quell the instant response of “No, thank you” and humble myself to reply instead “yes, please”. It is extraordinary how resistant I find myself to the notion. Perhaps I feel it is demeaning to need help; I don’t really know. But it is a difficult virtue to be able to offer help in a fashion that is unassuming, altruistic and easily accepted. I suppose it is a branch of charity, just as – as my mother pointed out to me – accepting help graciously is a branch of charity.

Charity is a wonderful virtue. I just wish I had more of it. Over and over again I realize I have failed in charity, in all sorts of ways, and it is a frustrating realization. If only I could catch myself in time! It reminds me of St James’ instructions on bridling one’s tongue. Such a little instrument to do such great harm, and with what rapidity! Someone once suggested to me that if I feel I am about to utter an uncharitable remark, I should pause and under my breath utter the prayer ‘Jesus, Mary and Joseph’ – not a bad suggestion, in as much as it causes us to pause and often that is all that is needed in prevention, but it could be taken the wrong way: the mother of a friend of mine was using that ejaculation privately whilst in labour, when, caught unawares by a sudden strong contraction she involuntarily cried it aloud, to be rebuked by the Catholic assisting midwife for her unsuitable language!

But misunderstandings aside, we do indeed need charity, as we do need the assistance of the Holy Family, and every Lent I make that good resolution… and every Lent I fail… but I guess I have to keep trying. There isn’t another option, really, Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

Perception and Reality

By Sarah

I have a book (unrelated to homeschooling) entitled Perception and Reality. Watching an old video recording of my older, now adult, children when they were very young reminded me of that. One's perception of the age of one's children isn't necessarily closely related to reality: it is more closely related to the stage one's family is at. Last week I was at home with only our three youngest children (aged four, eight and ten), and it was an interesting experience. When our oldest child was just six, as in the video recording, we thought he was really pretty grown up – well, he was the oldest! We expected a high level of self-control, contribution to family jobs, obedience and attention to siblings' needs. We spent a lot of time supervising, correcting and intervening. Moving on twenty years (our oldest turned twenty-six this month!) and I realise that his youngest siblings have had quite a different experience of childhood.

In some ways the youngest children are more 'grown up' at the same ages than the older ones were: they watch films I would never have permitted the older one to watch at the same age, they wear clothes the older children would not have thought to want to wear, and they go to bed later! But in many ways much less is in fact expected of them. They do not automatically assume responsibility for household jobs the way the older ones perforce had to, since there were no older siblings around to do it for them. I realise I have not been as demanding of details with the younger ones, largely because I have been so occupied helping the older children through the ups and downs of adolescence; I have intervened less in their interactions with one another, and they have spent a lot more time playing unsupervised. I think they also spend more time out of my sight and hearing than the older ones did, reflecting what is in some ways a much greater degree of independence. There are advantages and disadvantages to whatever position one has in the family, just as there are with so many things.

Another way in which the older ones received much more of my time was in basic instruction: catechism and manners. Because you have told the older ones repeatedly to eg. look directly at people when you speak to them, you feel that you have been teaching such things to your children since forever, so presumably they all must know it. Unfortunately, they don't. At least, not always. Some things get passed on painlessly from older to younger without adults intervening – how to tie shoelaces or ride a two-wheeler, for example – but some things don't, such as the difference between the Incarnation and the Immaculate Conception. I have to constantly remember that the younger ones also need to be taught what you assume is basic knowledge (and therefore must surely necessarily already be known!).

Of course, when the older ones are growing up the younger ones take up a fair bit of physical time, as babies and young children do. By the time the younger ones are getting to the same stage, there are usually fewer babies about, but as parents we are older, and in my case much less energetic. When the older ones were in primary and early secondary years we did lots of 'theme work', requiring a good deal of time, thought, energy and input from me; a lot of fun, and a very effective means of teaching. I am too tired now to do that most of the time, so the younger ones do a lot more book work. But they also have a lot more formal extra-curricular activities such as music lessons. Either has advantages; but it does affect the way in which I teach, and therefore in a way the kind of relationship I have with the children.

We are all at different stages of family life, and sometimes it is good to remind ourselves of this fact. Rules and expectations differ anyway from family to family; but they can also be influenced by the stage of family life we are experiencing. I found it very useful to spend a week with only my younger children, and realise the gaps and deficiencies. When the children are all young, it is easy to have a compact, cosy, protected family unit, with all undesirable influences filtered out and a high level of control, but you cannot continue this as the older children grow without imposing an undesirable rigidity and exclusiveness. Older children bring back to the family home influences and experiences you could easily prevent them from having endured as littlies, but from which you cannot then easily protect their younger siblings – and perhaps that is not always a bad thing. By the time the littlies are going through their own agonies you have a lot of experience to call upon in helping them. Often you get it wrong the first time, but then you have better insight the next time. Often you seem to have failed; but you can't give up – the younger ones are still there, still needing you. Raising a family is a complex, changeful and challenging task, which requires full time attention; but I can think of nothing more rewarding.

*Photo Family by Healingdream/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net